The Upside of Vulnerability for Men

Almost all the men I have worked with have struggled with the idea that showing vulnerability is a good thing.

They are raised to think that vulnerability is the same as weakness. When they are kids they find that crying or showing fear invites ridicule and shaming from their peers. There is a “boy code” that later turns into a “man code” telling them that anger is the only emotion that is OK to express. The rest are “for sissies.”

So, it is no wonder that when boys become men, they come up short in being able to express their tenderness or saying, “I’m sorry.”

Not that saying, “I’m sorry” comes easy for women but for men admitting that they are wrong is easily translated in their minds to saying, “I’m a wimp,” or “I’m useless.” This often leaves their partners frustrated, hurt and distant when their men don’t take ownership of their actions or offer apologies.

The same “man code” plays into having such a hard time asking for help. The need to “have it all together” prevents them from being open about their struggles.

When men enter therapy and explore their relationship to vulnerability, we look at the injunctions they heard in childhood like, “Big boys don’t cry” or “just suck it up” when they got hurt, physically or emotionally. Those messages imprint deeply and set them up for relationship challenges later in life. We talk about how unfair it was to have their pain chastised and/or dismissed. And how that has stifled their ability to show their feelings or be open.

Then we work on coming up with a healthy definition of manhood that includes caring for themselves and opening to their partners about their vulnerabilities. I use movies or TV to explore healthy role models. The Apple TV series, Ted Lasso has a powerful with this healthy model of masculinity where the team’s star, Jamie Tart, is taunted by his abusive and alcoholic father in the team’s locker room. He takes the taunts to a point but feeling shamed and hurt and lashes out by hitting his father. The team is stunned at what they have just seen, and Jamie looks at them, not knowing what to say or do. He begins to retreat into himself, feeling ashamed by who his father is and how he hit him.

Then Roy Kent, the team’s senior player, locks his eyes on Jamie and strides across the room to envelope him in a bear hug, holding him tight. Tart then lets his tears flow and sobs in Roy’s arms as the team watches in silence. They witness and benefit from seeing the strength being displayed by offering comfort and connection to another man who has suffered, again, from his father’s abuse. That is what men need: validation and not shaming for being humans who struggle. Roy is not responding to Jamie because he pities him but rather because of their shared journey as men: Finding ways to be healthy men, in touch with feelings and not being afraid to share them.

Men need to find a safe space, often with other men, to express their emotions and show their vulnerability to begin to integrate those lost parts of themselves and become whole. The Ted Lasso series offers many instances where men show emotion and work on having healthier relationships with themselves and others. They learn that their vulnerability is the way to connection and belong.

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