What Do Happy Couples Have in Common

Let me begin by saying that happy couples are not happy all the time. Maybe a better way to say it is to say that some experience more happiness than others and there are reasons why.

I am fond of quoting Socrates: “Peace is not the absence of conflict; Peace is the ability to deal with conflict.” So, I think it is fair to say that some couples have better coping skills to deal with conflict than others and the outcome is that they are happier in their couple hood.

Conflict is inevitable. The beginning of relationships is known as “the honeymoon phase” where everything is “a yes.” Couples see eye to eye on almost everything including using waste basket liners, etc. Somewhere between one and two years the honeymoon ends, and they begin to see that they are different people with differing wants and needs. As the expression goes, that is when the work of the relationship begins.

So, one thing happy couples can have in common is to seek professional help when they cannot get through conflict by themselves.  For over thirty years John and his wife Julie Gottman have researched and studied couples to find out what makes them tick. One of the key things they discovered is that successful, happy couples can repair the torn fabric of their relationship after fights. The couples that can offer, “I’m sorry”, and take ownership for their parts in the conflict were the couples that did well. Especially for men, having the ability to listen non-defensively is a great asset to making peace.

In the book entitled: “The Man’s Guide to Women” the authors share that conflict is inevitable and there is no particular topic that causes fights. They just happen. They go on to state that when conflict happens what women want is a good listener. No problem solving or logical explanations and especially non-defensive listening.

They are also share that men who successful navigate conflict in their partnership are the ones that can control their pulse rate. That is, they are able come back to center and after getting emotionally flooded and can calm themselves. If they can do that, they stay present, listen to their partner, respond without being defensive and actually hear what they are upset about. When we get flooded our adrenaline elevates our heart rate and puts us into a “fight or flight mode.” By taking some deep breathes and counting to ten, maybe more than once, we can calm ourselves. They also suggest that if the breath taking and counting does not work it is best to take a break. To go for a walk, run, bike a ride and then come back to the conversation in a half hour or so. If they are still flooded take another break or let it go until the next day. It is OK to say, “not now” but you need to designate a time and date to return to the conversation.

There is more in the book that is helpful to get couples back on track and especially to help men understand what it is that women want in their relationship. The benefit to having men understand what women want and providing it means that there will be more of what men want which is less conflict (peace) and more sex.

It is back to the quote from Socrates: “Peace is not the absence of conflict; it is the ability to deal with conflict.” So having more skills and self-awareness makes dealing with the conflict easier, shorter lived and brings couples back to that desired “happy place.”

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