Weather and Relationships

I once read that we are missing the big picture when we witness a contented mother and infant in a warm, loving embrace. Their eyes locked on each other with soft cooing from the baby met by echoing sighs from the mother.

It looks serene and peaceful as if it is always that way. The article went on to explain that what we are witnessing is a temporary state. A moment of calm and serenity that will change like the weather.

As we know weather patterns continually shift. The Pacific Northwest, where I live, experiences an unending series of onshore flow patterns that bring rain, mist, and more rain from mid-October through June. Then the pattern shifts and the sky clears, the sun shines with intense beauty and the inhabitants reap the reward of the 7 months of rain: A lush green world that basks in warmth and blue skies. And of course, it does end when October arrives.

So, it is useful to use that ever-changing weather pattern metaphor when we think of how relationships work. There are times when the skies are blue, the waters warm and all is good. They take a much-needed vacation and the day-to-day irritations, stressors recede, and they enjoy each other’s company. And then one night while out to dinner the husband pays a little too much attention to their server and the wife gets upset. The weather has turned stormy with dark clouds, winds, and the possibility of lightening.

The challenge for the couple is to not let this end the enjoyment of the vacation and each other. It is an opportunity to engage in what John and Julie Gottman call “repair work.” That is, the offending party needs to take ownership of their actions and the other party needs to work at self-soothing so that they can stay in their thinking brain and discuss what happened. The goal is to calm the storm and restore the peaceful seas of a serene relationship. It is necessary for both to stay in their adult egos and use healthy self-talk and tell themselves that “the vacation is not ruined.” This ability to tolerate the stormy weather takes maturity that comes from being in the adult ego part of us that can think and stay in the moment.

It may help to think back to past conflicts and to recall that they made it through those tough times to a peaceful and loving place.

Like with the baby and mother story we began with it is important to realize it is unrealistic to expect things to always be blissful but to appreciate when it is. Also, to know that things will change and that each party has the skills in place to deal with themselves (self-soothing) and the skills to work with their partner to find a “good enough repair.”

What is unseen to the casual observer with the mother and infant are the multitude of interventions that happen in quick order to locate the source of distress for the baby” Is it a wet diaper? Is the baby bored and needs stimulation? All these and other causes for their distress need to be evaluated and remedied by the mother so that the pacific state returns like the sunshine after a long downpour.

And a couple needs to be self-aware of the triggers that cause conflict and have skills in place so that they can bask again in the sunshine of their mutual love.

Using the metaphor of weather patterns can bring the comfort of knowing all storms pass and can pass more quickly when we have skills to calm the darkened skies.

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