Ted Lasso and Men’s Loneliness

A Ted Lasso episode begins with the team sitting silent and dejected in the darkened locker room. Ted stands in front of the team after a crushing defeat and says, “I want you to be grateful that you are going through this sad moment with all these other folk.” 

Some members and the staff look up at him inquisitively, likely thinking, “be grateful? Grateful for what?”

He goes on, “Because I promise you there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad.”  Ending with, “Ain’t nobody in this room alone.” An affirmation of the team’s solidarity and connection to one another.

Ted’s words seem to hit home, and the mood gradually shifts to one of gratitude and the acknowledgement that they will make it through this difficulty, together, and be the best teammates they can be for each other.

Behind the solemnity of Ted’s words are his own story about his own father’s suicide when he was a teenager and the aloneness he felt in its aftermath. He later tells his mother, “Fuck you for pretending that everything was Ok after daddy died. And another, “Fuck you for not getting (therapeutic) help.”

Men often feel alone when they suffer a loss, like a death in the family, a divorce or a job loss. The only place many men can share their feelings are with their spouse, if they have one. Otherwise, there is no one there, especially other men to help them shoulder the burden.

We are taught in our culture that to be a man means that you do not need others or need help to deal with your problems. You should be able to deal with them on your own.

The therapy room with the right therapist is a place where men can find the kind of support they need to move through the losses and struggles that life presents. Ted Lasso is shown in therapy dealing with the loss of his marriage and the pain of being separated from his son. As is often the case, many things in his life begin to change with his therapy work. The episode where he confronts his mother about her lack of action when Ted’s father commits suicide is powerful for what he is NOT doing. He is not taking care of his mother’s feelings and is honest with her about the pain he has endured.

A men’s group is another place where men can prosper. There they can find others who struggle to speak up for themselves and struggle to identify what they are feeling. They find membership with other men on a journey of self-discovery who are welcome of them.  They have found a place where they don’t have to feel alone with their pain and can share what is troubling them. To be heard and seen without judgement is such a gift!

Sensitivity does not undermine strength but helps to empower it further. Working with feelings can empower us to be better, more confident, happier people.

The Ted Lasso series provides models to show men healthy ways to open and share their vulnerabilities with others on the same journey. The best teachers are those who are also, “walking the walk.” Ted is such a leader as he helps the team members mature and grow into their best selves. A series worth watching.

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