As we approach the new year it is a good time to look back and to look ahead. First to look back at this last year and review what worked well in your relationship and where improvements can be made in the new year.
Read MoreWith the couples I see there is one area that we always need to focus on: clear communication. The root of so much that causes distance and hurt in relationships is miscommunication. Patterns seem to becomes habitual over time and never get corrected so that the couple is left wondering what their partner meant or what they really want.couples
Read MoreIt is said that couples often come to couple’s therapy too late. They wait too long to seek help which makes it unlikely they will achieve good outcomes. In part, the problem is that they come in “in crisis.” That means they have used up any reserves of good will and patience to deal with one another. They most likely have been miscommunicating for a long time and both are feeling misunderstood, taken for granted, etc. One person may have started an affair to find some place where they do feel understood and cared for.
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You don’t have to look very far to see “the immature masculine” or “toxic masculinity” rampant in our culture Men commonly put down any sign of “weakness” or sensitivity in other men starting in boyhood and effectively police their behavior by shaming or bullying them. Being a “real man” gets equated with suffering pain, never showing vulnerability or any feelings besides anger.
Read MoreSome couples come to see me knowing that they are on thin ice and want to explore if their marriage is salvageable. We look at the things that drew them together; what was attractive and engaging about the other and what dreams they shared when they began. I have them make an inventory to see if there is enough good left to make it worthwhile to work on.
Read MoreA paramount concern for someone entering psychotherapy is how to choose the right therapist. It is a daunting task and if you keep the following suggestions in mind they can help you on your journey to finding the right person for you.
Read MoreFirst of all, let’s start with a definition of shame. Shame is the feeling that you can get that at your core you are bad. A bad person. It differs from guilt in that guilt is a feeling you get after you have done something you feel bad about. Shame is about you, your being, not your actions.
Read MoreOne of the most difficult and necessary things that we can do in our lives is to come to terms with the emotional and/or physical traumas from our childhood.
Read MoreAre you feeling depleted? Tired or depressed? It could be that your stroke tank is getting low. What is a stroke tank? A stroke tank is a psychological theory called Transactional Analysis. As its name implies it is about the analysis of the transactions (conversations or interactions) that happen between people and their impact. It was created by Eric Berne, a psychiatrist in the nineteen-fifties.
Read MoreThe poet and men’s movement leader Robert Bly once said: “If you enter a room filled with women you will notice the liveness and range of expression and laughter that is present. Enter a room filled with men and you will notice how somber and the steady low register of the voices in that room. That is because men have so much unexpressed grief.”
Read MoreDad’s set the bar for what daughters will expect to get from their future romantic partners and male friendships. The healthier the relationship is between the two of them the more likely that girl will grow up to have a healthy partnership with positive outcomes for all involved. Often times it is difficult initially for dads to know what daughters need from them in life. I hope the list below is of help.
Read MoreIt is a really good idea for couples to schedule weekly “marriage meetings” whether married or not. The purpose of these meetings is to create a regular opportunity for you to connect and take care of and assess your “state of the union.”
Read MoreWhen I am working with couples it helps me make sense of the challenges they face by using song titles to create categories to understand the stages and challenges of relationships. It adds an element of play and helps break the sense of isolation that couples feel when they think they are the only relationship that is struggling.
Read MoreThe documentary “The Mask You Live In” explores how the unhealthy way we raise boys in our culture to the detriment of themselves, their relationships and the larger society.
Emotional expression is suppressed through bullying and humiliation. They are shamed or ostracized for crying, showing fear or emotional pain. Showing emotion is labeled and discounted as being for girls and label such as “being a little girl” are often coupled with “be a man”.
Read MoreIn the twenty-five years that I have been a couples’ therapist I have noted the things that couples come in wanting from each other and are not getting. These things can be healthy and attainable but their absence are often the source of conflict and hurt feelings.
Read MoreGrowing up today is challenging enough for kids, especially boys as they often lack healthy role models for how to be men. Hopefully they have a father that is there and has the following five qualities to share with their sons...
Read More1. Clear communication: The goal is that each person clearly communicates what it is they want and/or need from the other person. Neither person expects the other to be a “mind reader” and just know what the other is wanting. I tell couples I counsel that what is “not said” in a relationship is just as important as what is said...
Read MoreOver the twenty- five plus years I have worked with men in therapy I have come to some realizations and generalizations about who men are and what makes them that way. In the course of therapy, we address the families they grew up in and the influence they had on the men they have become...
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