All relationships start from a place of effortless intimacy. It is exhilarating  to talk for hours on end, disclosing your innermost thoughts, dreams and desires. It is like someone you have been waiting for your whole life has finally arrived. 

As we approach the new year it is a good time to look back and to look ahead.  First to look back at this last year and review what worked well in your relationship and where improvements can be made in the new year.

With the couples I see there is one area that we always need to focus on: clear communication. The root of so much that causes distance and hurt in relationships is miscommunication. Patterns seem to becomes habitual over time and never get corrected so that the couple is left wondering what their partner meant or what they really want.couples

     It is said that couples often come to couple’s therapy too late. They wait too long to seek help which makes it unlikely they will achieve good outcomes. In part, the problem is that they come in “in crisis.” That means they have used up any reserves of good will and patience to deal with one another. They most likely have been miscommunicating for a long time and both are feeling misunderstood, taken for granted, etc. One person may have started an affair to find some place where they do feel understood and cared for.

Some couples come to see me knowing that they are on thin ice and want to explore if their marriage is salvageable. We look at the things that drew them together; what was attractive and engaging about the other and what dreams they shared when they began.  I have them make an inventory to see if there is enough good left to make it worthwhile to work on.

It is a really good idea for couples to schedule weekly “marriage meetings” whether married or not. The purpose of these meetings is to create a regular opportunity for you to connect and take care of and assess your “state of the union.”

When I am working with couples it helps me make sense of the challenges they face by using song titles to create categories to understand the stages and challenges of relationships. It adds an element of play and helps break the sense of isolation that couples feel when they think they are the only relationship that is struggling. 

In the twenty-five years that I have been a couples’ therapist I have noted the things that couples come in wanting from each other and are not getting. These things can be healthy and attainable but their absence are often the source of conflict and hurt feelings.

1. Clear communication: The goal is that each person clearly communicates what it is they want and/or need from the other person. Neither person expects the other to be a “mind reader” and just know what the other is wanting. I tell couples I counsel that what is “not said” in a relationship is just as important as what is said...