Couples Put Down Your Phones!

As I was waiting to board a flight home, I observed a young woman looking intently at her phone. I thought maybe she was checking our flight’s arrival time. Our boarding was announced and as we began to slowly move forward toward the departure gate I glanced over and noticed she was still intently focused on the screen even as she shuffled forward and stayed fully engaged with it all the way up to the gate and continued without checking her surroundings or fellow humans all the way onto the plane not breaking eye contact once.

Why that made an impression was the extent she was shutting out all other elements of her environment and was engulfed in her own dyad: herself and her phone. She was in her own world that didn’t need human contact, only her electronics.

I have seen a similar dynamic going on with couples too. They are giving more attention to their phones that to their partners.

In our current challenging time with the Covid-19 virus we are more isolated. One of the things that helps us as humans to manage stress and fear is to feel connected to those that love and care for us. Often our devices stand between us and the comfort and connection we crave.

Here are five rules for healthy couple’s communication that involve the use of phones and devices:

1.     People before phones: That means the first engagement of the day and the last one is with your partner and not your phone. Start your day with a hug. Then check your phone.

2.     Make time together a priority: When you have time to be together after chores and dinner is done leave your phone in a different room. Hold hands and check in about your day. That way there is no draw to pick them up as there is a lull in the conversation or a distraction. 

3.     Start the day right: Make your first contact a hug, kiss or at least a “how did you sleep?” If the first thing you do in the morning is grab your phone and check Facebook or the news then you are missing an opportunity and/or starting the day off with creating a distance between you and your partner. How do you know what is important to someone? By looking at the things they pay attention to. If your phone gets first dibs on your attention you are telling your partner that is your priority and not him or her.

4.     Set limits: Start self-monitoring your cell phone use and track how much time you are using your phone. Notice how much time is involved and when you are on the phone. Start imposing limits on how much you are using your phone. Make it something that you use to make your life work better, like traffic apps, getting tickets for events, etc. Limit things like Facebook and other social media that are a big-time suck. Try eliminating looking at those apps and see how you are feeling about yourself and doing with the time freed up. Many folks I have talked to said they feel better about themselves as they take away the comparisons to other people’s exotic vacations and seemingly perfect families.

5.     Talk to your spouse and do it together: Sit down and have a talk to discuss the impact of phone use on your relationship. Make mutual choices about how you are modifying time spent on your phone to free up energy and focus for the two of you. Make a plan to check in and see how things are progressing.

Together you can reestablish the closeness and connection you are both wanting.

For more on Couples Counseling click here.