Healthy Touch for Coupes in the Time of Covid-19

As we near the third month of the Covid-19 lockdown it is important to keep in mind our need for healthy touch.

Touch is our first language and our first experience of comfort from another. It is needed to convey the care, affection and attention we need as infants. We come into the world as the these tiny beings with all the powerful emotions we will have in our adult form. When we are upset, we need to be soothed, calmed and held. The quality and energy of that holding and stroking is what helps us calm and over time helps us learn how to calm ourselves.

When we find a life partner, we have a person we can touch to fulfill our desire for closeness and comfort, and they can receive the same comfort from us.

Too often we take them for granted and their needs for touch as well as our own. In the current situation we are all feeling stress and anxiety about the impact of the Covid-19 virus on our lives.  It is a great time to start practicing more healthy and comforting touch to help ourselves and our loved ones.

Touch feels best when it is given in an attuned way. By attuned I mean that the person who is holding or stroking their partner is tuned in to the emotions and needs of the other. One of the best ways to know if you are attuned is to get feedback as you move in close.

Here is a simple exercise that you can do with your loved one to work on attunement. Sit next to your partner and ask them if they are willing to do an exercise with you. Then ask them what arm they want you to support. Next you gently take that hand and forearm and find the way to support it so that it feels to them like their limb is floating effortlessly, requiring no effort on their part. You will need to get input from them to make sure you are supporting the right places until they feel that their arm floats free without effort.

Hold this position for a few minutes and then gradually give their arm back to their control. Then switch and have them hold and support your arm until it feels effortless on your part. End the exercise with a few breathes and taking control of your arm back. Debrief what you just did and share what you noticed and how it felt or how you felt about your partner in the exercise. You can revisit this and do it  as often as you desire.

Make it a daily practice to set aside time to cuddle and touch each other lovingly. It can take the form of non-sexual massage, by working on sore muscles. It might be good to start with massaging the hands and feet. Make it a time to give feedback in the moment to your partner about pressure, the areas being worked on and so forth. You can make it a time to share about your day and the challenges you overcame or checking in on your small victories. It is not a good time to talk about problems in the relationship or things the kids need, bills, etc. You want it to stay focused on the positive and giving to each other in a way that is filling in a need. That need is to feel tended to, important and distressing the day.

You will find as you set aside time to cuddle and touch each other lovingly that its lessens the stressors in your life and has a positive effect on your relationship.

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