Couples Communication Skills for the Time of Covid

In this unprecedented time, we need to be skillful in our communication with our spouses or significant others.

What topic, usually unaddressed, needs to be communicated and discussed?

All the losses we are experiencing. The lost predictability of our days and what we thought we could count on. Grief accompanies the loss, like when a loved one dies. It is the death of what we could expect our days and weeks to look like. We have lost so much that made the rhythm of our lives predictable and comfortable.

Here are some action steps to starting a conversation about these losses. 

Action step #1: Write down all the things that have changed, been lost and your fears are about the future.

Action step #2:  Find a mutually agreeable time to discuss your list.

     Turn off all devices, make eye contact and give your partner your full attention.

Action step #3: Take  a breath when they are done and paraphrase back to them what you heard them say. Take your time to make sure they are accurate and especially represent the emotional content of the sharing.

Action step #4: Ask your partner what they are feeling that go with what they are saying to you.

Action step #5: Get in close, hold their hands and say, “We are in this together. What I appreciate about you is…” Share at least three things of appreciation. If you are an introvert tell them you will need a few minutes to get your thoughts together and will get back to them soon. It is OK to take the time you need to think things through.

Action step #6: You can make it a creative process and get a cardboard box, possibly decorate it and place all the written down losses into the box. Making a pledge with each one that you will revisit them weekly until they are resolved or the pain of the loss have been replaced with a sense of calm or a resolution that a vaccine has been found, a new job has begun or whatever it is that makes things feel better.

Next make a plan for how you are going to keep your communication going in the following weeks. Find a time that works for both of you so that you can know there is a time coming to share what you are feeling, thinking and wanting. It works best when there are few other events going on in the household. When kids are in bed for the night and you can relax, or collapse, in the privacy of your bedroom or den.

The next step in your enhanced communication is doing the intimacy exercise. You do this exercise by sharing a high point of your day and at least one appreciation you have of your partner.

Action step #1: decide mutually a good time of day to do the exercise.

Action step #2: Do the exercise daily and notice how you are getting along after doing it for a week.

Action step #3: Check in with your partner and evaluate what they are experiencing around a sense of closeness and open communication with you.

Action step #4: Repeat the exercise daily.

As you keep your communication open and honest you can get through almost anything, together.