Five To-Dos for Couples in Quarantine
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We are going through an unprecedented and difficult time with the economy shutting down, unemployment near depression levels and families sheltering in place. The covid-19 pandemic has created tremendous stressors for our nation and the world.
Many couples, with and without kids, are at home day after day with some working remotely and others are out of work. Federally unemployment benefits and stimulus checks are helping but there are many anxieties about what the future holds.
Questions abound:
Will the virus serge if we restart the economy?
How long will it take to get a vaccine so that we can truly feel safe going out?
How many businesses will fail and what is the new normal going to be?
What tools can couples use when they are confined at home and conflicts and power struggles occur?
Here are five things you can do to manage conflict and get along better through these challenging times.
Be kind and lower your expectations of yourself and your partner. Right now, we are all under stress. Do not expect either of you to be your best or most productive. Stress and anxiety are taxing to our whole system so do not expect to get as much done and make allowances to rest and put off noncritical tasks as needed.
Check in more with each other. Do it daily if possible and at the same time. A check in starts with, “What are you feeling today?” “What is on your mind that you want to share?” And finally, “How can I help you beyond listening and being attentive?”
Have a plan in place if conflict starts. I recommend doing “time outs.” If one person feels things are getting too emotional, they can say, “one, two, three, stop!” That means both parties need to stop talking. Then the person that spoke up asks for a certain amount of time to let things cool down, usually thirty minutes is enough. Then they separate and go for a walk, talk with a friend or write down what they are feeling. They come together at the agreed upon time and do a check in. Hopefully, they both have calmed down and can clearly say what they were wanting and address what happened to start the fight.
Share gratitude’s with each other daily. Take a few minutes, say, after dinner, and share things you each are grateful for. It does not take long to shift things when counting they ways you are blessed. Especially blessed to have each other.
Dream together of plans and trips for after the virus is gone. Maybe it is a long-deferred trip to Europe or Fiji. It might sound like this: “I want to take that trip to Fiji we always talked about.” The other person replies with, “Yes, and we could” so that each response will build on the ideas of the other. Nothing is off limits when you dream together. It stops the flow when either party says, “No, that won’t work, it would cost too much, etc.” Those “no’s” stop the dreaming dead in its tracks. So, stay with the yeses.
Take time each day to look for the blessing of being together and express your gratitude’s. Tend to each other’s feelings and you will keep your relationship strong.
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