Counseling for Men is about Relationship Skills
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Men enter therapy for any number of reasons that can include work stress, marital conflict, or unhappiness. To feel better they need to understand themselves and what gets in the way of having a healthy relationship with themselves and others.
To build healthier relationships, men often need to resist the urge to jump in and solve problems. What is usually needed first is listening with empathy and care. Developing these skills helps men better understand their own experience and the experiences of others.
In therapy men learn that saying, “I don’t know” or I’m lost” is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength that a man is secure enough to not act all knowing. It shows vulnerability that can lead to the closeness they are seeking.
Men benefit from having a male counselor who can show vulnerability and competence. As they model for them being open and honest, it gives the client a model to emulate.
We continue to build trust and safety in the therapy room by using a disclosure document that talks about confidentiality.
I paraphrase what is written and say, “What we talk about is private and confidential and does not leave the room. However, if I hear about any of the following three things going on I need to report them outside.
If I hear about abuse of a child or dependent adult happening in current time.
If you disclose to me that you are threatening to harm another person.
If you are seriously suicidal. That is, that you have thought about killing yourself and have made a plan on how to do that.”
Having reviewed the disclosure form we have created another layer of safety for the personal work about to unfold. We unpack the things that trouble them and we do work to get in touch and express their feelings. We work on coping strategies to help them prosper.
Next I create a treatment plan and help them set goals on what they want to have more of in their lives. I also ask them to complete a questionnaire so we can identify childhood experiences and traumas that may be holding them back.
I ask clients to become curious about their reactions to others. Noticing who they strongly like or dislike can reveal qualities in themselves they struggle with or have disowned. I ask them, “Why did that person’s question make you so angry?” or “Who did they remind you of from childhood?” to uncover repeated patterns and help clients find healthier ways to respond to stress and difficult people.
I invite men to be honest with me and to speak up if I say something that feels offensive or off target. For those who grew up with angry or dismissive parents, being direct with an authority figure can be a major step forward. In therapy, they can practice new behaviors: expressing anger, becoming more curious, and feeling less timid. Sometimes we use anger work, such as an empty-chair exercise in which they imagine their father sitting across from them and say what once felt unspeakable. The goal is to help them become more fully who they are and reclaim the parts of themselves their families denied.
The therapy process is ongoing and can take years. But by helping men get over their need to fix and their fears of being venerable they can, with healthy modeling and a healthy relationship with their therapist become the men they were meant to be.
