Why it is hard for Men to Make Friends and What to do about it
/When we are boys, it is far easier to make friendships. We have classmates, neighbors who we can easily join and run, wrestle and ride bikes with. We don’t need to do any evaluation of their suitability, we just play. There are no confidences to reveal, nor deep conversations to have.
As we grow up there are institutions for us to meet and be with other boys: School, especially on the playground, baseball teams, soccer, scouts, etc.
But all that ends around eighteen when we graduate high school. Most friendships fall away as boys head in different directions: college, jobs, gap years with travel or possibly the military. Without the structure of those institutions, we often drift apart and just being social doesn’t have enough glue to keep us connected.
Boys, and later the men we become bond over doing things together, not being together. It is a bond that happens in a shoulder-to-shoulder way. Not by talking but by having common purposes and goals. We need to be on a mission and without that we fall away from one another.
But the outcome of this is loneliness. And I do not want to discount the need men often have for aloneness. But that is a chosen thing. At times we need solitude to read, explore our thoughts or go to the garage or basement to work on projects. That is needed but only to a point. The truth is that we are not meant to be alone and then we need to find the communities we need to prosper in a social way.
Too often men cling to their wives or partners and let them drive the social calendar. They begrudgingly come along, sometimes enjoying the gatherings or secretly hoping they will end early and they can go back to the comforts of home and their spouse.
All we need is at least one good friend. Having a good friend is better than having a dozen acquaintances.
Here are a few ideas on how to move away from loneliness:
1. Reflect on your life and identify friends that you felt comfortable with and make effort to reach out to them. If it has been a while, catch up by phone or if possible, go better yet get a beer and talk. If they are like you, they may be looking for a friend too.
If that goes well put something on the calendar right then, so you can keep meeting. Don’t leave it to, “I’ll call you sometime” because that will never happen.
2. Rediscover an old passion: biking, music, woodworking, etc. Find places where you can join with other like-minded men in those pursuits. Maybe it is time to take some lessons, find a community workshop to make furniture or whatever it is. The men you might meet there could turn out to be friends.
3. If you belong to a church join their men’s group or start one. Join with other men and start a group to explore your faith or do community projects. Helping others is always a good way to create a meaningful mission.
So, it may seem unnatural for men to find other men, but it is an innate need going back to our earliest days as hunters on the plains of Africa. The hunters went out together and provided the food to sustain the tribe and they reveled in the companionship and shared purpose they had as a group of men.
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