Why Marriage is an Exercise in Humility

“Marriage is an exercise in humility.” I think all men who are married or in long term relationships can relate to that quote.

Why does it have to be an exercise in humility, rather than an exercise in feeling appreciated, or being admired?  Hopefully, some admiration comes up but there is value in being humbled. When that happens, it is an opportunity to learn about ourselves, as our partners see us up close every day. Their observations, if we can be open, and humble, are the starting point for personal growth.

Most men, if left to our own devices, think that we are “just fine the way we are” and things are “just fine in the relationship.”  Then, over the dinner table or some other location our partners speak up and tells us otherwise. OK is not good enough and we might hear her say, “That comment you made was thoughtless and hurtful. I need you to apologize!”

Our first thought is to defend what we said and think there is nothing to apologize for! But that is the ego talking. The part that wants to be right and have the other person be wrong.  

We could counter with a tit for tat statement like, “Well, you do the same thing all the time!”

The upset you are feeling is her being in touch with a rupture in your connection and is speaking up to work on a repair. Not to make you wrong.

Most men would like to then “let it go” and move on. That is wishful thinking as things won’t get better until the relationship is repaired.

There are a multitude of important life skills that men are seldom taught but can be learned in therapy. Like how to have meaningful relationships with others: How to be intimate and venerable to create closeness. We are better at keeping the emotional walls up and keeping others at bay. Sure, we can be counted on to mow the yard, paying the bills, etc. but not so good at being open about what we are feeling.

If we can stay open, we can learn that our partner is criticizing us BECAUSE they want closeness. We want it to. We just don’t know how to get there, so we feel inadequate and lesser than. That is our ego deflating.

A great exercise to try is to sit down on the couch, or the bed, hold hands with your beloved and say: “I know my words hurt you and I am sorry. That was mean spirited, or whatever it was, and I am sorry I said it. I am here now and ready to work on changing my behavior. Tell me more about what happened for you when I said x, y or z. I will work (in my therapy, or with my friends) so I can be a better husband to you.”

Doing an exercise like the above can move us toward repairing the damage that was done to our most important relationship. We are humbling ourselves in service of our marriage. What a wonderful thing to do! You get to be a human being and let go of any desire to be perfect while owning up to our shortcomings.

So, the next time your sweetheart approaches you and says, “We need to talk,” instead of recoiling in horror you can take it as an opportunity to put your ego aside, be humble and say something like, “Yes, let’s talk. I will make us some tea. I want to hear whatever is on your mind.”

It is OK to not be right, to not have all the answers and instead be humble and open to learning, listening and developing empathy. In time you will learn to welcome these talks. They will educate you about life, love and closeness.